Dear Dumba**

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I wanted to love you, more than anything.  I wanted to be the teachers wife, a shining example of community involvement and loving support.  I wanted to be the girl in our 1950’s daydreams of what a future could look like.

But my gut wouldn’t let me.

I should thank you for that.  For the lesson that going further than you want to, making choices for another person, ignoring the calling in your heart only hurts you.  It’s an important lesson to learn, and I am thankful that I did- because it changed everything.

You made dumba** choices.  Not just with the teenager that landed you in jail (that would have been and should have been prison, if they hadn’t lessened the charges), but with me too.  You squandered my spirit in the guise of love, played the hero while picking me apart, and became the closest thing to an abuser I’ve ever had.

No, you did not hit me.
No, you did not rape me.
No, you did not scream, yell, or throw things.

But it wasn’t what is was supposed to be.  And I knew that.  So I walked away.

You gave me something else too- sympathy and empathy for the women and men who can’t walk away, for those who can’t escape, for those who die before they hit a breaking point.  I had the spark in me, that you never got to see- it kept me warm, and safe, and pushed me out before the police arrived at your classroom door.  Not everyone has that- not everyone has BookBoy and BigBrother to highlight the difference in love and support and disenchantment, or a voice to say no.

You will accuse me of being a hateful bi*ch, of having the situation wrong, of victim blaming you.  That’s okay with me.  You can call me a mess, unkempt, a girl who wouldn’t get contacts for you.  I’m okay with that too.

You see, I’ve managed to find love after you.  In glasses.  And pants.  And saying “no” when I’m not into something.  All without a grown man pitching a hissy fit.

So thank you.

Never yours- Sarah Mae


I’ve committed to writing 30 letters in 30 days, according to the 30 Day Letter Challenge.  To learn more about my project, check out my introduction.

Five Favorite Friday: June 27, 2014

Oh man… it’s Friday.  When did that happen?

 

 

  1. The Secret Diary of Lizzie Bennet: A Novel by Bernie Su and Kate Rorick.  I’ve been reading/listening to this adaptation of an adaptation that totally could become an adaptation.  It is all the background secrets and stories that I imagined it and then some.  And so my every free moment is spent on it.  It will be finished by the end of the weekend, and I will get a *glowing* review soon.
  2. Okay you guys, bananas aren’t very glamorous, but they are very very very tasty and easy to eat, and largely guilt free.
  3. The Quotes blanket from Barnes and Nobel BookBoy and Mom both bought me independently.  It’s the perfect weight and cuddlyness and it washes well, and the AC is killing me at home.
  4. Tomorrow’s start of hiking and camping season.  The weather isn’t very summery, but in Oregon you’ve got to take the trail by the horns and run with it.  We’re doing about 5.5 miles, so wish me luck!
  5. The Corporate Operations Team at work.  We had a hard week in terms of the work, and their attitude and cooperative nature really made it not awful.

What do you loves this week?

Happy Friday! Love, Mae

Five Favorite Friday: May 15, 2014

Ya’ll I haven’t a night off this week.  As in the last time I wasn’t booked up being a responsible social person was last Thursday… and the next night off I can see is next Tuesday.  I’m drowning in the need to drown my sorrows exhaustion in some soy cream (which I don’t have time to pick up) and laundry doing (I’m about to be going commando if I can’t get it together real soon).

from Summer Girl 101 at http://summergirl101blog.tumblr.com/

  1. Trader Joe’s Soy Cream.  It is simply the best dairy alternative in town and I’m out, and I don’t have time to go get some at the store, and I’m sad.  Really really sad.
  2. Dad sponsored late night Dairy Queen Blizzard runs.  This is family summer tradition, where I “take the hit” with dairy and accept the stomach ache and internal hives (yes that’s a thing and no it’s not fun).  Dad throws everyone in the car, just before bedtime, and we get whatever we want.  He is Awesome, and our Blizzard season started this week, when we went over 85* in the Valley.
  3. The ever ridiculously helpful BookBoy and his Handyman tendencies.  Since BookBoy is working as a handyman while on break from being a freaking genius at school, I feel guilty using his talents, but I occasionally break down for Girl Scouts and asked.  He came over to help me with one project for the girls (making bead looms) then found me examining another project, and ended up spending half an hour assisting in the dismantling of an old desk to make way for my new desk.  I did not ask for help- he just jumped in.  Because he’s awesome like that.
  4. Spring Cleaning.  Okay maybe not- but I do love the result of culling the shelves, closets and flat surfaces so I can move the book collection that now has a person sized spot on the bed to new home.  With my new IKEA purchases from two weeks ago (and BookBoy’s assistance) I am quickly too freaking slowly moving towards better organization.
  5. Summer Hours at work.  I don’t like getting up early- seriously.  As in there have been punches thrown about it, and I broke multiple alarm clocks, back when people still had alarm clocks (my phone has insurance for this precise reason).  But my boss agreed to a skewed 8-4.30 shift for the summer, so I can do some extra volunteer hours, and get a little sunshine in my life.  I think I’ll take up sleeping.

Hows your week going?  Are you getting any sleep?  Or sunshine at least?

Friday Loves, Mae

Y is for The Old Days, When We Were Young

The Old Days, When We Were Young

or, Youth is Wasted on the Young

When we were young
what did we do
with the time that we
could have used?
We drank and swore
and some smoked
as we explored the world
in dirty pick up trucks.
We laughed and loved
and talked big game
about the things that we
couldn’t begin to see
at the tender age of
We played and saw
more world than school
entertained wild ideas
about futures
never thought about our tombs.
How much more adult could you be
than eighteen?
We thought these friends
were to the end
the war’d be quick
the sick would heal
our futures were utterly
And now we sit
as grown folks do
around coffee tables
and legal brew
thinking back
to the times we had
saying youth is wasted
on the young
with a smile
and a laugh.

For the month of April I’ve committed to writing 26 poems, falling into the Alphabet.  To learn more about my project, check out my introduction.  To learn more about the A-to-Z Challenge visit www.a-to-zchallenge.com.

Five Favorite Friday: April 18, 2014

This Friday is brought to you by my Grandmother… and her brilliance of wanting a 75th birthday party in Las Vegas.  Happy Birthday Gran!

Gran, Mom and I on a Dinner Cruse for my Birthday. Honolulu Hawaii, October 2010.

  1. My accountant mother, who does my taxes with me standing there, supplying her with various forms I’ve received.  Seriously she does the whole families taxes in a weekend, and I basically just show up.  Love you Mom!
  2. Powell’s Nalegene Collection I have a small large collection of these, and I proudly let my Portlander Geek Freak flag fly while I travel with them in hand.  Mine also sport my bumper sticker collection, since I’m not a fan of getting my car keyed.  Smart people Hydrate!
  3. This week’s The Broke and Bookish Top Ten Tuesday Responses.  The prompt was amazing, and I really enjoyed seeing what everyone else wants… now of course my covet list is up to like 90, instead of just my original 10.

    The Lobsters and I, many New Years Eve moons ago.   Lobster J is in the middle, Lobster K is on the left, I am on the right.

  4. Lobster J.  This week was her Birthday.  And she’s been a fantastic friend since the last day of seventh grade, when she learned my whole name in a singlegreeting- she still has the yearbook with it written into the crease.  Without a doubt I would be a different person without her in my life.

    BookBoy and I at Mt. Rushmoore, September 2012. The guy who took this was a BIG biker and was very excited because it was the most romantic place  to propose- we were afraid to tell him we weren’t getting married.  Note the Nalgene in my hand- he is hiding his behind his back .

  5. BookBoy, whose Birthday was also this week (they are only 1 day apart).  BookBoys mom (BookMom) chatted the Lobsters’ and I up on Registration Day of Senior Year in High School.  Since then he and I have written hundreds of letters, shared prayers and secrets, survived my college and his war experiences, and driven cross country in a Mazda.  We have never dated- but I am closer to him than I have been to most boyfriends.

What (and who) do you loves this week?

Happy Friday! Love, Mae